Honestly, I’ve wondered often why God says no to so many of my ideas. If you’re religious, you know exactly what I mean. The nice way of saying it is the verse about God having something better in store, I’ve said it so many times to myself that I have forgotten what book, verse and chapter of where it’s from, I just know it’s in there.
The church that I thought was my ultimate happiness and comfort was taken away shortly after my first child was baptized, but one thing after the other we have never been without food or clothing, health insurance or a roof over our heads. In the details though, there are ideas I have to enrich little aspects and God says “No, that’s not right.”
In church we’re learning about Jonah and his great whale. Perhaps there’s a whale and a Nineveh in my life that I said no to long ago that God is little bit by little bit reining me in to.
After my last post I realized that maybe I know what that is. But honestly, how am I going to know? I’ve been wrong so many times. Jonah had a voice from heaven and all kinds of mind blowing incredibly obvious signs.
So here it is. Yesterday I decided to talk to Darren about what my thoughts are. I decided perhaps I was wrong about my Tubal Ligation that I was determined to have and went true on 3 1/2 years ago. I have never doubted myself, until after writing that post I began doing some research about how I’ve come to feel since my daughter’s delivery. I’ve put on weight, been incredibly tired and suffered from continual head aches, worsening over time. Reading on I learned of woman testifying that their headaches disappeared as quickly as they’d come and their weight dropped as they had after other pregnancies but had failed to do following their tubal ligations. Insurance covers tubal ligations, but not reversals. To get go through the surgery I am looking at spending about $6,000.
After Jonah was vomited from the whales belly he still did not want to share the message of salvation to sinful people of Nineveh. God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah to protect him from the sun, then the next day brought along a worm that killed the tree rendering it unable to provide shade. Jonah mourned that loss, an emotion God used to throw the reality that this large city was so much more worthy of crying out for than for a tree with no soul or other eternal elements. Jonah got on his way and, while perhaps begrudging, did follow through on God’s initial order, which was to tell of the dangers that would come if Nineveh did not turn to worship God instead of their idols.
What are my idols, what have I turned aside from?
I told my husband that I would like to consider a reversal. If someone asks me if I regret my tubal, I will not say that I regret it. I’ve learned from it, and think that it was what I was meant to do at the time. If I’m meant to have a reversal, we’ll find a way to save the money needed. What was my original call? I’ll ask God some day. For now, I’ll live day by day and pray that his will may be revealed to me at the time appointed and that I will do the best that I can do, be the best that I can be, with what I’ve been blessed with.