Sitting down to write, I have intentions to write flowery posts about my gorgeous and extremely blessed life but am instantly flooded by guilt and the bitter disappointment I felt in bad choices that I made nearly a year ago. As my fingers pause in response to that momentarily paralyzing sadness that floods my whole body I pause, close my eyes, breath deeply. I don’t cry or lift a silent prayer–those things don’t happen anymore because I’ve forgiven myself and have stopped asking for what I did to be erased because that’s not what I want.God gave me the gift that I needed and that is something I’m going to carry with me. Still I pause. I click, “save draft” and leave, going on to another day to live. Another pile of laundry to fold and put away. I plan another meal and clean another bathroom. I try to engage my kids in doing chose, despite knowing that I’ll redo the work that I put them to since I wont be satisfied with how it’s turned out. At the end of the day, I’m thankful which is what I’ve always been. And I smile, as I’ve always done. Tomorrow’s not guaranteed, yesterday can’t be taken back.
Life isn’t memories, its what you chose to do with them that will make up who you are. Take pictures, I’ve always said and let yourself reflect, but take charge of where that all leads.
Recent awesome happening: My sweet youngest sister, last in the line of six sisters got married. She was as beautiful as ever I’ve seen her. She married a very blessed 21 year old Baptist boy. This weekend they just went on their first camping trip together and while she works as a barista he seeks work in the field of his college studies. I love seeing new life, and brand new beginning. She’s 22 and on her way to being a fantastic partner. There’s nothing that makes me happier than seeing someone that I’ve been apart of since their childhood become a happy adult who is embraced the future that they wanted for themselves!
I started this post using a picture of Darren and I with the children taken at Lyd’s wedding but am taking it out, replacing that shot with a picture with my great grandmother in which my sister is the baby of the family. She’s being held by my twin who I’m right next to wearing the checkered jumper. That was the first and last time I met my maternal cousins. Maybe I was 10 at the time? I don’t remember much from that trip, other than that my grampa ate a grape at the public market and got my brother to eat one too whom in turn felt guilty for stealing for YEARS.
Why am I feeling depressed writing this? Two of my kids are awake now, actually three. The oldest is at summer school until 11:00. The two that are awake are arguing about how old a kid has to be in order to get a BB Riffle. My son who wants one is coming up on turning 6. The other just turned 8 and has a better grip on reality, now telling her brother if he got one he might accidentally shoot Sugar Buns. SB is our rabbit who lives outside of the rabbit enclosure because she beats up on the other two. My son started crying and said he’d never do that. So many bad things happen that started out sounding like OK ideas. He’s not going to be getting a gun for his birthday. Not this year.