Archive for the ‘Little One’ Category

On this Day

Monday, October 15th, 2018

It’s October 15th.

I think blogging on this subject may help me not feel as sad as I might otherwise.

Today is National Infant Loss Awareness day. I’m happy that there’s a day where people everywhere can feel free to talk about the pain that lingers with them over losing a child in miscarriage and still birth. Since miscarriage is statistically one in four, truly every family has this as part of their story. My loss was 11 years ago. Waking this morning I of course remembered the emotional devastation that brisk sunny morning of August 15th 2007, but too I thought of what she’s missed. The baby, I somehow felt that that 7 to 10 week gestation Little One was a girl, would be in 6th grade. She’d be starting puberty, have a best friend and a favorite book series. Maybe she’d be in fast pitch, perhaps volleyball or soccer. The doctor said that losing her wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. The amniotic fluid just wasn’t there, the sac had collapsed, there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore and I had two options. I could have a DNC or, “let the fetus pass naturally.” I said I’d go for the second option, I have to admit that I think I felt that way I’d have more time with my baby…I know that’s weird. When the baby did come, two days later, I was alone. I had three contractions, and there was the baby in my hand…so small. I rinsed him or her off and tried to see features but she or he was just too early to make out any details. Perfect though, somehow. I’m glad now to be alone in this moment as my thoughts develop only split seconds before they come out in such familiar form on the dashboard on my blog screen. I’ve sat here so many times. With each long in knowing the taste of my tears over this loss by the day longer ago. I know my heart and am not ashamed of the lingering sadness, indeed, it’s a boost in my desire for eternity where that collapsed amniotic sac doesn’t matter.

She’ll know me, and it will be as if we missed no time together. My baby did not have to experience any of the struggles that her sisters and brothers will go through. Not an argument or feelings of animosity in any form. She or he did not have the opportunity to disobey us or own a pet, or have chores around the house…I miss that, even though it never was. My baby was real, even though she died before she could live.

I miss you, baby, and will see you soon.

Upside Down and Inside Out

Sunday, August 19th, 2007


Little One was born two days ago, she was an inch long, her head about the size of your thumbnail–her body curled up in that tiny way babies are. I touched her little head gently and ran my finger down the arch of her back while holding her in the palm of my left hand. I sprinkled a little water from the faucet over her little body in hopes of seeing her more clearly, of course this didn’t work. She stayed purple and indistinguishable because all those parts that make a baby beautiful weren’t for her.

Deeder’s been out of sorts. He wants up, then he decides he wants down. He wants to eat, then he decides there’s nothing worth his while available for eating! He wants Daddy to hold him, then he wants Mom. The sad part is that I’ve been doing whatever I think he wants, no matter how annoying it is!! If it were a week or a month ago I would make him go through his normal routine despite any persnickety mood on his part and in the end he’d be as happy as if I had been doing everything his way.


Just when I quite possibly could have gone completely bonkers Deeder came back to his sweet wonderfulness just to give a lovin smile and a big wet kiss. Then it didn’t matter that there was no nap for me, and that he wouldn’t take one. Everything is OK again , no amount of self pity can overshadow Deeder’s sweet baby love.

Speaking of things being OK again I had a wonderful conversation with my mom this morning. I couldn’t tell Darren quite what had happened between my mom and I on the phone in those 45 minutes that made me happy, I just knew that everything is good again. I was encouraged and felt so very lucky to have Joyce Taron as my mommy! My mom’s full of antidotes, for me, for anyone who should want help, and so it was today. We talked about the earlier days, about the present and about loving people–as always, the faith that my mom has in God impresses me. I have so many days when I know I can never be as strong as she is. Somehow I’m this silly vulnerable person who is ready to collapse and to stumble when things make me sad…

Darren nodded as I said all these scrambled blabbers then said that if I were to email my mom and try to say all that again, I should also say that he knew she was a good person when she took his dog, Heidi, in. It was funny to me that he would think of this when I was having such profound emotional thoughts.

His eyes were still looking into those months when Heidi lived in WA, “But then there was the vet. I never had to pay a vet bill until your mom took over with Heidi!” My mom’s like that, she makes sure everyone (animals included) are all well taken care of!! Sometimes I think our house always had such a congregation of neighborhood pets because she buys the best stuff Costo sells.


Diederick is smiling because I let him crawl out of the house onto the front parking lot pavement. I didn’t let him go far, but don’t those eyes say it all? He was soooo thrilled! Yes, I did give him a bath right away :D

Life After Little One

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

After Doctor Bunker told us that Little One was dead he said that we had options.

“Either you can let your body discharge on it’s own–this will take place anywhere within a weeks time.

“I can give you tablets that will aid in the progression of the uteri cleaning process.

“Or we can do a minor surgery that will remove the tissues remaining from the pregnancy, it wont take long at all.”

He explained that if I choose the first option I can expect that within that week’s time I will at some point experience extreme cramping and a lot of blood loss, lasting around four hours. If this doesn’t happen within the week he would like to prescribe the tablets, for fear of an infection.

I wanted to know how much option three would cost and if my insurance would be likely to cover it but I had a huge lump in my throat and somehow all I could do was nod my head. I think he understood this. He gave me a sympathetic look and told me that I didn’t need to decide right now.

He put the ultrasound picture showing Little One’s itty bitty body cradled in the collapsed sack which was supposed to be protective away in my “Harr, Laura” folder clipped so that it wouldn’t slip away. Some foolish part of me wanted a copy of that picture, but that stupid lump in my throat wouldn’t let my mouth speak my heart. Little One is gone and there’s nothing anyone can do.

The nurse didn’t ask what the first day of my last period she did every time I came in for an appointment with Deeder’s pregnancy. She only took my blood pressure and weight–I’d lost two pounds. Did they know I’d had a miscarriage before the ultrasound?

This morning when I woke up I saw Darren laying very still next to me…I could tell by the tiredness on his face that he’d been up way too late, possibly crying. Doctor Bunker told us that the percentages of pregnancies that end in miscarriage are very high, people just never talk about them. I hope Darren remembers this and wont engage in some kind of blaming game–I know I sure don’t want to. It’s all in God’s hands and He’s just in all ways!!

Deeder was happy to see me when I went in to get him out of bed, as he always is.
That big smile on his face, the one that melts any heart. Loosing Little One makes me see just what a miracle my Diederick is. He’s so full of love, energy and perfect in all ways a baby should be. God’s providence is perfect, above anything that any one of us could imagine, and this morning I saw that more than I usually do.

Deeder and I spent the morning packing away all the little girl clothes that Kim bought. I’m glad I wasn’t alone as I loaded them into a blue crate from the attic. Looking over at Deeds made everything OK. The box went up to the attic marked ‘Baby Girl Clothes’ I hope one day it will come down again.

Even if the box never emerges from the attic I know that my life will be perfect. I have Darren, I have Deeder, and we’re a family.

Thanks for the encouragement and love, everyone!!!

I still don’t want to believe any of this happened, but soon it’ll be more real. The itty lump that was supposed to be Little One will disappear shortly and life will be normal again. No more posts will be filed in the Little One category and I’ll have nothing besides the black and white picture clipped in my file at the doctor’s office left.

P.S: We’re thinking of moving to Washington :)

Death before Birth

Wednesday, August 15th, 2007


Little One died today.

I was laying in bed last night, around 10:30 I felt wetness between my legs and all of the sudden needed to pee…

When I reached the bathroom at the end of the hall and pulled down my pj pants I found red streaks of blood running down my legs and deep stains already settling in to the cotton fabric of my pants. When I sat down on the toilet clots and more blood filled to bowl. I felt dizzy and nauseous.

My mom has always mended scraped knees, bloody noses. Whenever there’s been pain she’s been there to make it better–so I called her first.

Then I told Darren. “Hon, I’m bleeding.” He didn’t wake up so I said it louder. He woke up and looked at me the way he did when I told him I needed to go to the hospital–just over a year ago.

That night he didn’t take me to the hospital. I think he knew it wasn’t time–time was out, time wasn’t coming.
He did call the hospital and had them paged my midwife. She called me back moments later and I retold my story of blood and panic. She told me to put in a heavy maxi and sleep. “Call me tomorrow if you’re still bleeding. We’ll see you then. Hon, I sure hope you haven’t miscarried.”

I lay down, Darren sat in the chair at the end of my bed. He kept saying “babe, just relax.” I remembered then us at the hospital, me recovering and him sitting there trying to make me feel strong, feeling very tired himself.

I was still bleeding the next morning, just a little. We went in at 2. Doctor Bunker met us in the ultrasound room and had me undress from the waist down and cover myself with one of those ridiculous large Kleenex pieces that are supposed to make you feel modest even though you know a doctor is going to be looking in you.

He hooked me up to the ultrasound machine. He was quite, holding the cold wet monitor thing moving it around a little for a seconds that seemed to last forever.

“Well this isn’t a normal pregnancy you have here.” He was speaking to the assisting nurse as much as he was to us.

I looked over at Darren whose eyes were red, full of tears that just weren’t meant to fall until Doctor Bunker turned the machine off and told us that our baby was dead.

Deeder’s doctor explained that the embryonic sack around Little One’s small body had collapsed.

“Are you happy

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

…about this pregnancy?”

That’s what my midwife asked me after opening my file and scanning over it’s contents. “Dietrich, is what? 13 months now?” Heheh..I’m still wondering why everyone calls him Dietrich, even when reading my spelling.

Yeah, I’m so totally psyched! Hmmm, no. I opted for something more mature sounding, “Yes, I’m so happy about it!” Her face brightened…

“Oh well good then! I love when moms have babies close in age, it’s just so great” Boy I was happy to see her smiling, I think I’m going to schedule all of my appointments with her. She asked about Deeder’s health and my medication. I promised I would call my neurologist and get some blood tests scheduled for my lamictal levels. I’m good at that, I had blood draws every month, and then every two weeks in the end of my last trimester with Deeder.

At the end of our meeting she gave me a hug and told me that this would be lots of fun. “It’s like getting together with an old friend!” Ah yes, thank you. I think I’m in the right place.

I liked that this meeting was all about talking about how I’m feeling even what I would change if I could rewrite my experience with Deeder’s prenatal care and delivery.

On August 14th I go in again for my physical. I hate that! Oh well, it’s got to be done I guess. My favorite beginning prenatal care is when the baby is old enough to have it’s heartbeat detected. Wowie is that ever cool!