Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

On this Day

Monday, October 15th, 2018

It’s October 15th.

I think blogging on this subject may help me not feel as sad as I might otherwise.

Today is National Infant Loss Awareness day. I’m happy that there’s a day where people everywhere can feel free to talk about the pain that lingers with them over losing a child in miscarriage and still birth. Since miscarriage is statistically one in four, truly every family has this as part of their story. My loss was 11 years ago. Waking this morning I of course remembered the emotional devastation that brisk sunny morning of August 15th 2007, but too I thought of what she’s missed. The baby, I somehow felt that that 7 to 10 week gestation Little One was a girl, would be in 6th grade. She’d be starting puberty, have a best friend and a favorite book series. Maybe she’d be in fast pitch, perhaps volleyball or soccer. The doctor said that losing her wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. The amniotic fluid just wasn’t there, the sac had collapsed, there wasn’t a heartbeat anymore and I had two options. I could have a DNC or, “let the fetus pass naturally.” I said I’d go for the second option, I have to admit that I think I felt that way I’d have more time with my baby…I know that’s weird. When the baby did come, two days later, I was alone. I had three contractions, and there was the baby in my hand…so small. I rinsed him or her off and tried to see features but she or he was just too early to make out any details. Perfect though, somehow. I’m glad now to be alone in this moment as my thoughts develop only split seconds before they come out in such familiar form on the dashboard on my blog screen. I’ve sat here so many times. With each long in knowing the taste of my tears over this loss by the day longer ago. I know my heart and am not ashamed of the lingering sadness, indeed, it’s a boost in my desire for eternity where that collapsed amniotic sac doesn’t matter.

She’ll know me, and it will be as if we missed no time together. My baby did not have to experience any of the struggles that her sisters and brothers will go through. Not an argument or feelings of animosity in any form. She or he did not have the opportunity to disobey us or own a pet, or have chores around the house…I miss that, even though it never was. My baby was real, even though she died before she could live.

I miss you, baby, and will see you soon.

Just Over that Hill

Tuesday, June 5th, 2018

I have lived in this safe spot for a really long time. When I’m not here, I miss it. Not this house specifically, but this valley, nearly my whole life.
Here is the view off my back porch, one step outside the door, pretty much my view year around. I think of my nature as a home body especially has I’m preparing to leave for our annual trip to North Dakota. This time of year fills me with just a bit of anxiety leaving my familiar little basin where I’m hedged in by mountain ranges, that for me feel safe and comforting. The two hour drive we’re about to set out on brings us to my husband’s childhood landscape which is a wide open landscape for some reason called the Bad Lands. One of the states we’ll stop in is Montana, appropriately known as The Big Sky state. It’s quite beautiful, seeing the sky in a way that we never do here–the land and sky really appear to meet, no trees or mountain ranges obscuring the meeting of land and heaven.

I’d like to have a bit more property to ourselves, but neighborhood living is good for the kids, socially at this point in time. We’ll see how things go in the future, if they do need a bit more space, we’ll find a way to make that happen.
Every year, I enjoy listening to Darren talk about how he’d like to move back to North Dakota and become a farmer again. Just for the twinkle of adventure in his eyes. But then reality sinks in and he says without even my prompting, “We really do have it pretty good where we live. I do like my job, could hardly beat that job.” And home we are.

Sometimes in life, home isn’t where you came from, it’s where you came together.

The true truth behind everything, and above where I’m most comfortable by nature, is that anywhere where Darren is is home for me. If we mutually decided to move to another climate I’d be OK as long as we were together. Apart I just wouldn’t be complete.

Carly Annalise Taryn: 10 Years Old

Tuesday, May 29th, 2018

My daughter is 120 months old today.

I truly can hardly express what a delight she is and how blessed I feel to be her mother.

A close attempt is to show Then and Now photos, mainly pulling of course from old blog posts!

Diederick and Carly. Rarely in photos present day, because in part because they’re not in school together. Koen and Diederick play together more so than Carly and Diederick, perhaps due to varied interests. While that’s true, the two of them have gone through similar experiences as they’re growing up, for example, Carly homeschooled last year and Deeder’s doing it this year. Although both of them appear to have become better students through being at home, neither will remain in the situation of home based learning because the element of social isolation is very real and just not beneficiary to either one of them. Siblings and friends are good but not enterchangable, so while we are in a good school district we plan to have the kids pursue education with their peers.

Carly can most often be found either reading in her room, playing on her phone or outdoors with the neighbor girl exploring in the woods. In fair weather, she’s to be found outdoors coloring with sidewalk chalk or cruising the neighborhood on scooters with friends.
Carly also adores her little hamster Oreo. He joined our family last summer and under Carly’s attentive eye is doing quite well.

The little girl sleeping so peacefully in this swing just hasn’t stopped telling me exactly what she thinks about everything, even before she could speak actually–pushing away what she didn’t want and grabbing for items that captured her fancy even before offered. She gives me more than honest answers to what she thinks of my outfits and haircuts. Everyone needs a child like her–outspoken, opinionated and enthusiastic. She’s asked if she may do some guest posts here on Oraeley.com to which I’ve agreed, so that may be an upcoming event. Of course if she does get in some writing, younger brother Koen will want to follow in her footsteps as he is determined to try and exceed whatever she puts her hand to.

Happy birthday, Carly Annalise Taryn. Mommy and Daddy love you! We’ll always be here when you need us, to talk at any time or to pray with you if that’s what you’d like to do. Continue relying on God and following in His example. Make good choices in your friendships and come to us any time for guidance. We’ll do our best to help you along your path as you grow and learn more about what you want to do. Be happy and healthy, always smile and let your spirit shine. Love you forever and always, sweet girl!

2016. Our family!

Patience pays off!

Thursday, May 24th, 2018

I’ve had a conundrum. Now that cellphones are everything, I no longer have my big camera in hand. The last camera I bought, or rather received as a birthday gift from Darren, was oh..maybe just before AJ was born?! It cost $500. I’d go through batteries like razor blades. Honestly. Now there are phones, and while I’ve never bought a very expensive one the photo quality is equal to what I got on cameras and obviously has a lot more than just the ability to take pictures.

So, what I’m I even talking about. To the point, my blog’s admin page is not mobile friendly which means if I want to use pictures I’ve taken on my phone in posts here I am going to be emailing them to myself which will be really annoying as I really have very little patience.

What I’m going to do! Either start carrying my camera around again, and download pictures onto my computer, or email photos to myself. haha! Either way, time to start publishing a few posts!! My reason to write is the same as it’s always been: Hold on to family memories and thoughts! When tomorrow’s gone, it’s gone…unless I write about it. ;)

Better idea! I’ll buy a laptop, and slim digital cam and go back to being an amazing blogger. YES!

Big upcoming event: Annual trip to North Dakota.

Happy 50th birthday, babe!

Wednesday, May 16th, 2018

Happy birthday to my man! We’re still going strong, and while I believe the shirts we bought for you and the cards the kids drew are awesome…I really believe the gifts that are the best of all are the ones that we made together. I hope that you’d agree, and that your year is amazing, baby!!

I love you forever, and no matter what happens I want to be by yourself forever.

Thank you for always being such a provider and guidance for me and for your patience with me over the days, months and years that we’ve had so far.

We have so many more adventures to take, and plenty more laughs as our love grows stronger every day.

Happy 50th, and to many more.

I love you as much today as ever I have.