Archive for July 5th, 2019

Six Weeks Baby!

Friday, July 5th, 2019

Hello. How this home? WordPress, your dashboard is home no matter how old I am. How is that? My goodness. No matter the computer I’m typing on, how I’m sitting or if I’m standing. Everything floods over me. The ambitions, the dreams, the feelings that I’ve let in and released over the days, months weeks and now flowing over a decade.

So, as for the title. Six Weeks, Baby. No, no pregnancy. But rather, six weeks without Darren. As I type those words, I wonder if I’ll ever be writing them with the meaning that he’s never coming home. Heavens, I hope not. But if that happens, somehow my hands will be steady enough to type that it’s OK, because God’s that way, isn’t he. Always holding me up, always whispering words of promise, and providing safety no matter what it is or where I am.

Darren’s been away in North Dakota and having a fabulous time. He’s there with our sweet Koen who is already nine years old.
This is the longest I’ve gone without him. I’m home here in NOoksack, Washington with my AJ and Carly. Deeder, my lovely first born who I wrote so frequently about in the early days of Oraeley is in California with my parents, and next week will be 13 years old.

It’s six weeks without Koen and Darren, and eleven days without Diederick. But what’s more, is that there are only 11 summers before all my children are over the age of 18. How are we here? I guess it’s what I’ve said all along, living day by day counting the blessings and treasuring the moments. No second chances, no way of turning back the pages…unless they’re written down, in which case they can be reread. What I’m seeing, regretably or otherwise is that sometimes writing them down isn’t a physical act. As anyone can plainly see, it’s been so very long since I sat down, behind this dashboard. Those I wrote for once are so changed, so gone, and even dead. The memories though, they’re alive by being experienced and enjoyed, sharing through smiles together, sharing in quietness too, even alone. Taking in the pains and pleasures that God gives can take so many forms.

I want to come home, every day to this WOrdpress dashboard, but I don’t. I don’t know why. But do I ever love feeling these words fall off my fingertips as they are now. The smooth swish sensation as my fingertips find the keys and my left thumb lands the spacebar. Will wordpress still be waiting here for me when my hands are wrought with arthritis I hope so. :) Not hoping the arthritis, hoping for the perpetual existence of my dear blogging platform.

This isn’t the first time Darren’s gone off by himself, actually he isn’t alone, is he? By bringing Koen, I guess he’s brought me too, in a sense anyway. He says he always has to take someone with on his adventures back home because there was a time that no one thought he’d ever get married!