Death before Birth

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Little One died today.

I was laying in bed last night, around 10:30 I felt wetness between my legs and all of the sudden needed to pee…

When I reached the bathroom at the end of the hall and pulled down my pj pants I found red streaks of blood running down my legs and deep stains already settling in to the cotton fabric of my pants. When I sat down on the toilet clots and more blood filled to bowl. I felt dizzy and nauseous.

My mom has always mended scraped knees, bloody noses. Whenever there’s been pain she’s been there to make it better–so I called her first.

Then I told Darren. “Hon, I’m bleeding.” He didn’t wake up so I said it louder. He woke up and looked at me the way he did when I told him I needed to go to the hospital–just over a year ago.

That night he didn’t take me to the hospital. I think he knew it wasn’t time–time was out, time wasn’t coming.
He did call the hospital and had them paged my midwife. She called me back moments later and I retold my story of blood and panic. She told me to put in a heavy maxi and sleep. “Call me tomorrow if you’re still bleeding. We’ll see you then. Hon, I sure hope you haven’t miscarried.”

I lay down, Darren sat in the chair at the end of my bed. He kept saying “babe, just relax.” I remembered then us at the hospital, me recovering and him sitting there trying to make me feel strong, feeling very tired himself.

I was still bleeding the next morning, just a little. We went in at 2. Doctor Bunker met us in the ultrasound room and had me undress from the waist down and cover myself with one of those ridiculous large Kleenex pieces that are supposed to make you feel modest even though you know a doctor is going to be looking in you.

He hooked me up to the ultrasound machine. He was quite, holding the cold wet monitor thing moving it around a little for a seconds that seemed to last forever.

“Well this isn’t a normal pregnancy you have here.” He was speaking to the assisting nurse as much as he was to us.

I looked over at Darren whose eyes were red, full of tears that just weren’t meant to fall until Doctor Bunker turned the machine off and told us that our baby was dead.

Deeder’s doctor explained that the embryonic sack around Little One’s small body had collapsed.

10 Responses to “Death before Birth”

  1. Wendy says:

    Oh, Laura! I am so sorry! I don’t even know what to say as no words can change anything right now. I will be thinking of you and Darren while you grieve your “Little One”. I truly wish I was closer so that I could do something to help. Just know that I am only an email away. *hugs*

  2. Manda says:

    Laura/Darren/Deeder – I don’t know how much comfort a stranger can offer but I wanted to express my sympathies for your loss and tell you that your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Rest in peace, Little One.

  3. Jennifer says:

    I know I will never be able to even begin to put my sympathies in to words that would even be able to come close to describe the sadness and devastation you must feel. I can only offer you prayers and hope. And a virtual hug! My deepest condolences!

  4. Gramma Momma says:

    I am so sorry, Sweetie. May the Lord comfort you and Darren, and heal you, body and soul. I believe that you will meet your dear Little One in heaven.
    Love,
    Mom

  5. Kathryn Hautsch says:

    Laura… my eyes weep for the loss of you and your husband’s sweet little baby… I believe your baby’s soul is back safe in the hands of the Creator of all life, our God and King.
    “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”
    Matthew 5 v. 4
    Love in Christ, Kathryn

  6. Elizabeth says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that…I will definitely be praying for you.

  7. Lauren says:

    Laura,
    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear this…it’s saddening. May you rest yourself back to health. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Take care of yourself.

  8. Lou,
    Reading your posts on loosing Little One made me choke up. When I called you yesterday afternoon it sounded as though you are doing well. It is so good that you have Diederick and Darren to make you happy and thankful. I am glad for and thankful to the Lord for His grace in all of this.
    Sarah

  9. Chas says:

    Oh I am so very sorry for your loss. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers. I just experienced a biochemical pregnancy (a very early miscarriage), and I miscarried my daughter’s twin during my first pregnancy, and you’re right, people don’t talk much about this stuff so no one is really prepared when it happens to them. I don’t suppose it’s anything we could prepare ourselves for anyway. I’ve only just found your blog, through Wendy, and I hate that my first comment has to be about something so tragic, but I wish you all the luck in the world working through this.

  10. […] Yes, but it brought sadness to me–memory of my miscarriage and the love that I had for my Little One who died at 7wks gestation in early August.  It’s true, I do think of her often, just then […]

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