Life After Little One

After Doctor Bunker told us that Little One was dead he said that we had options.

“Either you can let your body discharge on it’s own–this will take place anywhere within a weeks time.

“I can give you tablets that will aid in the progression of the uteri cleaning process.

“Or we can do a minor surgery that will remove the tissues remaining from the pregnancy, it wont take long at all.”

He explained that if I choose the first option I can expect that within that week’s time I will at some point experience extreme cramping and a lot of blood loss, lasting around four hours. If this doesn’t happen within the week he would like to prescribe the tablets, for fear of an infection.

I wanted to know how much option three would cost and if my insurance would be likely to cover it but I had a huge lump in my throat and somehow all I could do was nod my head. I think he understood this. He gave me a sympathetic look and told me that I didn’t need to decide right now.

He put the ultrasound picture showing Little One’s itty bitty body cradled in the collapsed sack which was supposed to be protective away in my “Harr, Laura” folder clipped so that it wouldn’t slip away. Some foolish part of me wanted a copy of that picture, but that stupid lump in my throat wouldn’t let my mouth speak my heart. Little One is gone and there’s nothing anyone can do.

The nurse didn’t ask what the first day of my last period she did every time I came in for an appointment with Deeder’s pregnancy. She only took my blood pressure and weight–I’d lost two pounds. Did they know I’d had a miscarriage before the ultrasound?

This morning when I woke up I saw Darren laying very still next to me…I could tell by the tiredness on his face that he’d been up way too late, possibly crying. Doctor Bunker told us that the percentages of pregnancies that end in miscarriage are very high, people just never talk about them. I hope Darren remembers this and wont engage in some kind of blaming game–I know I sure don’t want to. It’s all in God’s hands and He’s just in all ways!!

Deeder was happy to see me when I went in to get him out of bed, as he always is.
That big smile on his face, the one that melts any heart. Loosing Little One makes me see just what a miracle my Diederick is. He’s so full of love, energy and perfect in all ways a baby should be. God’s providence is perfect, above anything that any one of us could imagine, and this morning I saw that more than I usually do.

Deeder and I spent the morning packing away all the little girl clothes that Kim bought. I’m glad I wasn’t alone as I loaded them into a blue crate from the attic. Looking over at Deeds made everything OK. The box went up to the attic marked ‘Baby Girl Clothes’ I hope one day it will come down again.

Even if the box never emerges from the attic I know that my life will be perfect. I have Darren, I have Deeder, and we’re a family.

Thanks for the encouragement and love, everyone!!!

I still don’t want to believe any of this happened, but soon it’ll be more real. The itty lump that was supposed to be Little One will disappear shortly and life will be normal again. No more posts will be filed in the Little One category and I’ll have nothing besides the black and white picture clipped in my file at the doctor’s office left.

P.S: We’re thinking of moving to Washington :)

10 Responses to “Life After Little One”

  1. Wendy says:

    Thankk goodness for little Deeder! Such a sweet boy and a wonderful reason to keep going:) I know how happy you would be back in Washington with your family.

  2. Gramma Momma says:

    That sure was a heart-touching post, Sweetie. I’m thankful you’re looking to the Lord, trusting Him in this sad loss, and thankful for the precious boy He has given you already.

    I sure do hope you guys move to Washington! Bellingham is a family-friendly city. There would be so many activities available to you here.


  3. Jessica says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby isn’t easy. I know exactly how you feel. I lost a baby back in November, thankfully I got pregnant again a few months later. Lots of hugs coming your way, feel free to email me if you want someone to talk to who’s suffered the pain you’re going through right now.

  4. Jennifer says:

    I am still in tears! I do have to say that that was an amazing tribute post to Little One and to your family. So heartfelt and pure!

    PS Moving to Washington would make it a lot easier for play dates!

  5. Alison says:

    Dear Laura- I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. You are an amazing testimony to someone walking with the Lord. Praying that He will continue to comfort you and Darren, and ease your pain.

    Alison L.

  6. Lauren says:

    I am still sad inside. However, this has touched me in more ways than one. I learned a long time ago that my mom had 2 miscarraiges before I was born. Those 2 before me were lost at different points, and I don’t like to think that if they had survived, that perhaps I wouldn’t be here (since it’s only me and my younger brother). It just shows that anything can happen, and we’re not totally in control of everything. :(

    You’ll be in my thoughts, and I am sure that Deeder will bring much happiness through your pain.

  7. Philip says:

    Oh Laura, best buddy, I am so sorry…

  8. Manda says:

    Second time in a row your posts have made me cry. I can imagine that Deeder is a huge source of comfort for you right now. Who could be sad when looking at that beautiful face?

    Washington? Bellingham? Heck yeah! It would make play dates with Tater A LOT easier (since we’re only about a half hour from B’ham) and Jennifer and Aidan Daidan visit often!! Come on!!

  9. Dor says:

    :( Words aren’t enough, you know? I cry for you. God bless you for your trust. I wish I could take the hurt away and make it all better. My prayers are with your family.

  10. […] and the love that I had for my Little One who died at 7wks gestation in early August, click here, here and here for that […]

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