Upside Down and Inside Out

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Little One was born two days ago, she was an inch long, her head about the size of your thumbnail–her body curled up in that tiny way babies are. I touched her little head gently and ran my finger down the arch of her back while holding her in the palm of my left hand. I sprinkled a little water from the faucet over her little body in hopes of seeing her more clearly, of course this didn’t work. She stayed purple and indistinguishable because all those parts that make a baby beautiful weren’t for her.

Deeder’s been out of sorts. He wants up, then he decides he wants down. He wants to eat, then he decides there’s nothing worth his while available for eating! He wants Daddy to hold him, then he wants Mom. The sad part is that I’ve been doing whatever I think he wants, no matter how annoying it is!! If it were a week or a month ago I would make him go through his normal routine despite any persnickety mood on his part and in the end he’d be as happy as if I had been doing everything his way.

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Just when I quite possibly could have gone completely bonkers Deeder came back to his sweet wonderfulness just to give a lovin smile and a big wet kiss. Then it didn’t matter that there was no nap for me, and that he wouldn’t take one. Everything is OK again , no amount of self pity can overshadow Deeder’s sweet baby love.

Speaking of things being OK again I had a wonderful conversation with my mom this morning. I couldn’t tell Darren quite what had happened between my mom and I on the phone in those 45 minutes that made me happy, I just knew that everything is good again. I was encouraged and felt so very lucky to have Joyce Taron as my mommy! My mom’s full of antidotes, for me, for anyone who should want help, and so it was today. We talked about the earlier days, about the present and about loving people–as always, the faith that my mom has in God impresses me. I have so many days when I know I can never be as strong as she is. Somehow I’m this silly vulnerable person who is ready to collapse and to stumble when things make me sad…

Darren nodded as I said all these scrambled blabbers then said that if I were to email my mom and try to say all that again, I should also say that he knew she was a good person when she took his dog, Heidi, in. It was funny to me that he would think of this when I was having such profound emotional thoughts.

His eyes were still looking into those months when Heidi lived in WA, “But then there was the vet. I never had to pay a vet bill until your mom took over with Heidi!” My mom’s like that, she makes sure everyone (animals included) are all well taken care of!! Sometimes I think our house always had such a congregation of neighborhood pets because she buys the best stuff Costo sells.

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Diederick is smiling because I let him crawl out of the house onto the front parking lot pavement. I didn’t let him go far, but don’t those eyes say it all? He was soooo thrilled! Yes, I did give him a bath right away :D

9 Responses to “Upside Down and Inside Out”

  1. Jennifer says:

    He looks pretty darn pleased with himself! :P I’m glad your Mommy made you feel better.

  2. Gramma Momma says:

    I’m glad we talked, too, Laura. I truly feel undeserving of your praise, since I know how downcast I can get myself when problems arise. :(

    You and Darren have been through an awful lot, but it sounds like you are looking to the Lord for comfort and guidance, and are thankful for the great blessing He has given you in dear, sometimes grumpy Diederick.

    Tell Darren that I was glad to look after the dear old doggie. She’s really a character. Is she still scared to have her picture taken?

  3. Laura says:

    Yep he was pretty pleased!! :D I was glad he didn’t screech at me when I picked him up and brought him in the house :)
    Someday we’ll have our own yard for him to play in, complete with grass! Um, hopefully.

  4. Lauren says:

    He looks like he’s snickering towards you! “ha, ha mom! Look at me!”

  5. pluckymama says:

    You’ve brought many tears to my eyes as I’ve read the story of Little One. My heart goes out to you and your husband as you work through this together.

  6. Wendy says:

    I am glad that your Mom is there for you:) Especially now!!

  7. Kathryn says:

    Laura, Darren and Deeders,
    We are so saddened to hear about the loss of your baby!! You are in our prayers! I’m glad you have a wonderful support system, both heavenly and earthly!

    Love,
    The Harts

  8. […] love that I had for my Little One who died at 7wks gestation in early August, click here, here and here for that […]

  9. […] School starts next week. That’s Tuesday and Thursday mornings for Carly; Diederick Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Then in Febuary Baby 5 will be here. Questions answered on why I have three children and call his baby Baby 5, answered here […]

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