Melancholy

Last night we just arrived home from a long stay in North Dakota. The train ride there was somewhere around 24 hours long, and the time there was three different hotels and hours in the pool. All of this OK, a blessing in fact, because outside the confines of our hotels the air was heavily humid which could quickly translate into grumpy annoyed kids which entirely would not bring out the best in me.

In the end, none of my kids or adults died. No one was lost for more than 15 minutes, yes…there was a close call, and a child who crossed the street before I said so, but it’s OK, because no one died.

We’re home now. I spent four hours vacuming the van, spraying and wipping down the interior and then washing the dust off the outside of it. There’s still sand flecks and dog hair throughout. I’ve done the laundry, and put most of it away. Still I feel scattered and unorganized.

My heart is heavy with an unexplainable sadness. Perhaps it’s the way my book ended. I’m hungry for another one. Audrey Niffenegger’s book “Her Fearful Symmetry” is one of my favorites, and was a perfect companion for the long train ride. I also just finished a Jenny Lawson and Torey Hayden.

It was one of the best North Dakota best trips yet, different than others. This visit had little victories that to me are quite large. The most gleaming of which is that I finally have more pictures from Darren’s youth. I have so many emotions looking at them. Pride and happiness, but that mixed sadness over what seems accidental. The big questions of why we were born in a different time from one another. Should I have started my journey through life ten years before I did, or should he have begun his later than what he did. The truth, as far as I can imagine is that when we came together we created our own time. It’s a special time that has no place in time. A place where we’ve gotten the opportunity to create a life of our own, by our own time frame. We’re not lucky, we’re blessed and brought together in an incredible way that really makes no sense unless you believe in God.

The picture I’ve picked to go for this post is me, not recent, since my phone is being an ass and not transferring photos as I ask it to. Why not a baby picture?! Yes, I’ll put in a picture of me as a baby.

Today I put on an old shirt from when I was like 19. With my favorite pair of shorts. I sweated through cleaning my van and getting through the most obviously needed lawn care. I’ll shower before bed and give organizing my life another hurtle tomorrow, early.

We’ve entered the warm part of summer–where the day starts off at like 65F and reaches up into the 80s by late afternoon.

Tomorrow I’ll transfer a large portion of my photos from the trip to the computer. There are a lot of blog entries to make from those pictures, enough to fill a couple weeks at least.

I hope my sadness lifts soon.
I am missing my cat, I know that. No amount of moping about will bring Tony back, I realize that.

What I need to do is find a book to read. The kind that I can lose myself in. I need to get out early and go for a run in the morning. Yes…that’s what I’ll do.

The hour is now midnight. Goodnight.

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